I WANT YOU!

Dear Mr. Right,

I hope you are preparing yourself  to receive all my love for you well. It is not simple love, it is like a tsunami and will swallow you if you are not well prepared to receive it. While we work on the part where you receive my love , here are a few things i would like you to know,  not that its a script i want you to follow, but it would ease your life by helping you love me right.  I want you to accept me and embrace my weird ! Trust me that is not an easy task. i have those days where i forget to take my medicine and its on such days that i need and want you to understand me most.

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I want you to touch me mindlessly while the two of us watch a movie – i  don’t want that ‘Netflix and Chill’ touching, where the movie is clearly just a pretext to do something else. I want  you to drag your fingers lightly along my arm, in my hair, on my hand. I want to know that you want to touch me as a matter of habit, as a reflex that just feels more right than doing nothing at all. Touching should become second nature, not always a means to an end.

I want you to surprise me , but not with some grand gesture you saw in a movie. I don’t need the you lighting a hundred candles in the shape of a heart or a cheesy word, and i  don’t need to be serenaded with soft guitar music. I need something that is romantic to just the two of us, exactly to our definition. Surprise me with a bacon egg and cheese and coffee on a Saturday morning after I’ve been working hard all week. Surprise  me  with a room that’s full of board games, so you can finally see who’s actually better at this winning thing over some tea or orange juice. Pick a movie that you know i love more than anything, even if i have  already seen it a dozen times, and set up a movie night around it. Let me  know that you notice the little things.

I want you to say that you love me, at weird, random moments when no one would expect it. I want your words to feel like a kiss on my forehead in the dark, something i can barely feel but which i absolutely need to feel is there. I want your love to be something fluid and effortless, not built around “big moments” you feel obligated to mark. Sure, there can be special events, but there’s something a thousand times more heart-swoony about hearing a quiet “I love you” when i have my face mask and bathrobe on, when i think i am at my least lovable, when it’s the last thing i expect.

I want you to love me just as much in front of your friends. I want you to kiss my cheek, to joke with me, to be the exact same way around them as i am around you. I never want to feel like the girlfriend who has to be dragged around, like i am an anchor to all of the fun you would otherwise be having. I hear the way other guys can talk about their girlfriends when they’re not around, like their relationship is an obligation. I know it would sound needy to ask, but  i want to know that you are never like that with me.

I want to get a letter from you, to be surprised that you remembered something that i didn’t, to hear the words “I already took care of it.” There is nothing more wonderful than knowing that someone else has already been putting in the thought, that you were on their mind enough to commit it to writing or make real plans. Because that’s the real romance that’s been dying – the romance of being thoughtful, the romance of taking your time and doing things right. I don’t want to be the thing you remember only when it’s late and you don’t want to sleep alone. I don’t want to be the one you come over to ,to pretend to watch a movie with, just so you can spend a few hours in my arms. I want to be the one you plan ahead for, the one you take a few extra minutes to make things special for. I don’t want your money or the things you can buy me, not that they wouldn’t matter, but i want your time. i want your attention. Did i mention i love flowers and i listen to the language of gifts and Physical touch? I want all that and more.

I want your patience, in a world where everyone is going way too fast.

Inspired by Charlotte Greene 🙂

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LOVES’ BAD MANNERS

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In this day and age, people are constantly competing to care less, prove that they don’t need anyone except themselves, and ultimately show the world that they are the most authentic, independent women/men on the planet. All these things seem fantastic until there is a realization that, because we are trying so d*mn hard to be all of these things, we are actually hindering ourselves from developing other qualities that are incredible.

These days, sitting by the phone takes on a whole new meaning, and no, it isn’t any less common.  At one point those days, poor suffering souls would literally stay in hearing distance of the landline in hopes that (S)he would finally call. This sometimes resulted in other missed activities, which was crazy, but eventually the pull of the real world would drive someone away. Or they’d get hungry for something not in the house. These days, its even crazier. we have our phones glued to us 24/7 ( we sleep with our phones in our beds next to us), which doesn’t mean that we can’t leave the house, but it does mean that we can never escape the waiting.

I want to pick up the phone and call him or maybe just text him.. send him a silly joke or maybe have him say anything to make me laugh.  But i don’t want to seem needy…or stalkerish…vulnerability isn’t my strong suite.  Vulnerability for me is practice and commitment, it is earned not just given away. Wait, how did i get here? How did i become the gal that checks her phone a zillion times hoping there’s  a ” hey baby… just thinking about u ”

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See this man is Faaaaayyyyyyyynnnnneeeeee!! He has he has a beautiful mind …he says the most intelligently inappropriate things that get me laughing like there’s no tomorrow. My knees get weak and my temperature goes up . He has dope feet, you know those nicely groomed feet that make you want to declare a “sandal  wearing ” month in the entire country; yes those ones. He cleans up sooooo good and when he smiles ………..hooooooo. I’ll drink to dope men.

The other day i was feeling low and i received a package, guess what? ….it was a “just because ” gift. As in!!!!! He has this evil grin that makes my stomach summer-sault. He is not afraid to look into my eyes …its penetrative ….it makes me blush. Yes me!!! Shy catches me around him.

so explain to me how i am this obsessed over a seven day acquaintance? Isn’t love just full of bad manners?  My head tells me why not? But then again….he is just another figment of my imagination. 😂😂😂😂😂

Its always all in my head!! Lord Help the Child!

GHOSTED !

imagesYou could tell by the way i looked at him that i was soooo into him , of- we laughed about stuff other people did not find funny, we challenged each other intellectually and he had nice feet. ( i see your judgmental eye ) Yes i love feet, nicely groomed , dope toe  nails and all the things there are to love about feet.  But you wouldn’t understand this love unless you feel it too……..where was i before i got distracted by feet,….yes, this man was IT!! you know those guys you are not shy to take home … yes that one.  We were doing so well ( considering we had only been seeing each other for a few months ) , Then one day he told me he loved me more than his mother . Otyo!!!  but seriously like how ? of the person that bore you and this adult you have just met….. anyway lets not be judgy!  I froze , went back home and evaluated and then i made  a decision that anyone that claimed to love me more than their mother ought to be told they needed to rethink their stand. After a few hours of no routine communication, i received a call;

HIM: Hey babe , you okay?

ME:  Hey you, yes am okay now that you have called , i wanted to discuss a matter with you, been quite busy, kinda stressed , how are you?

HIM:  Are we okay? You have been icing me !

ME: Oh ! but,,,,,,, we only haven’t talked in the last two hours, of course we are good , just been busy concluding some report.

HIM:  hmmmmnnnnnn ! why do i have this feeling you love your job more than you love me? i even told you i love you and you haven’t said a word, but that is cool, will i see you today?

Me: ummmmmnnnn( calculating my response because at this rate this conversation is going in all the wrong directions , but oh well……)  No Hun, i was hoping we could talk on the phone coz’ i have a late meeting with my boss and am going to the field tomorrow , am sorry i hadn’t got a chance to let you know

Him:  Okay!!!!    (hangs up)

ME: What just happened ???

And that my friend was the last conversation i had with him, i tried to call back, text, nara!!! that is how i was ghosted. It was good while it lasted , and i loved every bit of it and of him. But  but but ……….those things of loving me more than yowa mother …………………………… i shall be back!!images (1)

Loving me more than his mother meant that he would go to every extreme for me and not his family…..that is freaky!!  I have learnt that any one willing to dishonor their parents and guardians for you will never honor you. aaaahhhhh but this cowardly ghosting business !!……Bwahahahahaha!!

 

IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD

How is your heart doing ? Does it hurt when you can’t chase away the emptiness caused by my absence?  Is my love from the past still lingering inside the worn down walls of my heart? Do you feel like you can not breath when we meet?

Do your legs shake and almost give way, is your heart racing faster than your words can run? Do you stammer or lisp just to say hello?

Do you experience sweaty palms and a mini- panic frenzy. Do you try to hide while observing me from the corner of your eye?  See i do , and i wish it were different.

 

I want to feel my heartbeat in my mouth at the sight of you, to talk to you till the sun comes up, cracking silly jokes and saying lots of sweet nothings, maybe write you long letters that will keep you blushing days on end. I want to be honest with you, completely bare and not have to worry if you are judging. To sing you a song that may probably not make sense but will make you laugh your heart out at how ridiculously romantic i am trying to be.

To recite poetry and make wishes on the stars , to travel the world  together without a care in our imaginations , to discover, explore and draw pictures in the wild. To have our love feel like our favorite song on replay, be cheesy and have people roll their eyes at us. To laugh so uncontrollably loudly and deeply, to lose sense of time and just be lost in every moment with you.

But i will never have you, and maybe that’s better because i have idealized you in Shakespearean proportions: the thoughts , the words , the poetry, everything is there but it isn’t. The bleary-eyed reality of it, the deep sad reality of non existence, of distance, of schedules …..gosh ! There is an organic mass in my heart soaked through with blood but its just radio waves. Its just my imagination of you.

Its enough to make one tired ,realizing the unreachable vastness of one’s purest emotions.You get crushed, get complacent and give it up  in favor of something you can hold. But well……at least this way , you and i don’t have to wonder what would have happened if we met and it didn’t work out……………………….or maybe we would wonder!!!

oh well, i guess we shall stick to speaking things that aren’t as though they are.

SINGLE, NOT CURSED!!

I’m not much of a “dater” (Feel free to now officially label me as “picky”. It’s ok.) I’m selective about dating, which has led to hardly any dating in general. So I think it’s safe to say that I’ve spent the majority of my twenties with the strange label of being a single. i say strange because there are incredible prejudices – some subtle, some not-so-subtle – against singles

Now when I say single, let’s be clear — I mean single. The don’t-have-a-fiancee, don’t-have-a-boyfriend, actually-don’t-even-have-a-cute-crush-right-now, RSVP-for-just-one, live-my -life-however-I-want, no-i’m-not-expecting-anyone, please-don’t-make-me-try-to-catch-the-freaking-bouquet, put-my-hands-UP-for-Beyonce’s all the single ladies kind of single.

I turn 30 in a few months. I am not married, haven’t had a serious relationship in nearly three years, and until recently had never wished I had a husband, never wondered “what else is there,” or felt pressure from anyone in my life to settle down. But lately, I’ve been fielding a torrent of unsolicited pep talks from friends , acquaintances , relatives ,  older people offering me advice on turning 30 and how lonely it gets without someone to cuddle, an occasion I had erroneously thought had lost most of its connotation of impending doom. Usually, their words of wisdom boil down to “don’t panic about finding a man.” But what they really mean is, “don’t panic about finding a man yet.”the constant advice from my elders always seems to remain the same; “Don’t rush, it will come to you, just live your life.” But on the other hand,  they are the same people do often inquiring; ” So Sanyu, when are you going to get married? you have no child yet? my dear giving birth after 30 is a trick…blah blah blah” Look , i am single,don’t pity me, am not cursed or something, if i could marry myself, i prolly would have already! The pressure dear Lord !!!!!!

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What do you think when you meet a man or a woman over 30 who is single? first thing always….pity, “There’s something wrong with him/her.” “They have a fear of commitment.” Perhaps even, “they are or must be a loser.” I know these thoughts not only because people have asked me what is wrong with me,but also because i receive a lot of advice on why i should get married before 30, like men are on supermarket shelves i can just walk in and pick, pay at the counter and go have a blast( eyes rolling!)

Of course, well-meaning younger and older people offering unsolicited advice to eye-rolling women like me is what makes the world go round. My parents will literally turn the house around to make an impression when i visit with a male friend because they hope he could be “the one”………eeeish! I am concerned particularly about the gendered nature of ‘being single’ advice, always being underscored when I talk to single male friends. Unlike me, they are actually a bit stressed about hitting their thirties or forties,but its never that serious, they are worrying about whether they have achieved enough in their career, whether they should be settling down, etc. Yet when I ask whether they receive the same advice I do on a daily, they can’t recall a single incident. “Probably because people think we are  beyond saving,” they half-joke.

No, it is probably because people assume my male friends (who are doing great, by the way) are fully qualified to make their own choices, whether relating to their career or their personal life and we the women are left at the mercy of whichever man chooses to redeem us by marrying us. How sad !!. Short of committing a felony, there are few decisions they could make at 30 that would irreversibly ruin their prospects. Even vasectomies can be undone. Meanwhile, in their eyes, my own benefit-of-the-doubt clock is running out even faster than the notorious biological one.

I would like to dismantle the notion that marriage is IT!! The end game,,, like its the ultimate source of joy and all the other things people want us single people to believe. And don’t get me wrong, i am not against the institution of Marriage, in fact i look forward to walking down the aisle some day, but that can’t be all a woman or man wants and desires in life , no no no !!!  We need to come to a place where we do not put people on pressure for whatever reason but rather seek to understand them. As for married people who pull these moves, forgetting you were once single , you crack me up.A friend once shared his struggle, and its real. He said , ” the people i find attractive end up being taken or married , twice my age ,don’t like me back, don’t now i exist,not real , dead etc, and people put me on pressure to marry because I’m clocking a certain age , try walking in my shoes please !!!” Picture that!!  Musale Puleesa!

I would like to talk about being single in a way that is empowering, vulnerable, hopeful, respectful, honest, refreshing, straightforward, content, faithful, and REAL. I feel incredibly lucky to say that most of the days I have spent single have been exciting, empowering, and wonderfully full.

They have been full of rich experiences and adventures. They have been full of risks taken and lessons learned. They have been full of some really amazing jobs and launching a new business from scratch. They have been full of laughter and smiles and some of the best memories ever. And they have been full of really, really good friends and people along the way. And for that, I give some serious thanks.Because I’m pretty sure the worst thing I could imagine would be meeting the guy of my dreams, and then telling him that I basically spent the last decade moping and waiting around for him. (Ugh. Please, please don’t let me ever be that girl.)

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Whether you’re married, engaged, dating, divorced, widowed, and/or single. Young or old. Girl or guy. Whomever. We all have stories to share and lots of experiences on the topic of being single, or knowing people who are single. And I would love more than anything to hear what everyone has to say so that we can (really) learn from each other. So do share your stories……………..

THE CODE !

Everyone’s life is governed by an internal code of conduct. You know how you’ve heard of the “bro code,” okay please pretend to have heard of it if you haven’t because that is another story all together, like who are your friends? where do you hang, what do you read?!!!! Anyway so there is  this set of “rules” that dudes follow on how to act with each other, Well, that’s exactly what girl code is. It’s a set of unspoken rules that all females are expected to follow. And while that sounds rigid and annoying, it’s actually pretty great.I guess the rules, if written, would read something like;

  • Thou shall not slag one off behind ones back.
  • Thou shall not borrow ones clothes without asking.
  • Thou shall not shag a friends current / ex.

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You get the drift?  Of course, girl code comes with a long set of both written and unwritten rules, but I think some rules are more important than others.

For starter’s , don’t neglect your friends once you get a boyfriend. And if you do, don’t just return to your friends after you and your love have broken up and expect everything to be as normal again. chic please !, that’s not how things work. This is not to say that you must break up, even if it works out, there is no value in losing friendships for a man. I know I don’t need to remind any of you that you need permission to date a friend’s ex or former interest, if you must date them at all.

Do not hate on other women (not for their looks or their success). Ladies, why do we even do this? There is no reason to talk badly about a girl that you saw across the room, no reason at all. She is not trying to steal your friends, or your man, or your job, she’s doing her own thing, now walk over, introduce yourself and the two of you could be best friends in no time. Or just mind your business and leave her alone.We need to stop treating success — whether it’s at work or in relationships — as if it is a zero-sum game. There is plenty of room for all of us on this earth and even when we must compete against each other for the same thing, let’s keep it classy, and should we lose, endure it gracefully.

Presence: Unless you are deathly sick or are about to win the lottery if your friend has been dumped, you have to be there. If you’re a really good friend, you’ll be there with pizza and wine sometimes even Chocolate. Also if your friend has recently been dumped, rejected, or deemed legitimately miserable for any reason, they get a weekend of doing whatever they want with you as the babysitter.I’m not saying you should let your friend commit any crimes but you have to understand that they’re going through a hard time and just need to release. So suck it up, and let them do just that.

Honesty: This is the best policy for “how do i look?” Sometimes when I see some women’s unclean underarms or their bleached skin color or their outfits, I wonder whose friends let them walk out like that. This is where I have to give cheers to all the  girls that have their girls’ backs— they would never let you leave the house looking like a fashion victim. Seriously, what does it cost you to tell a sister she has lipstick on her teeth? or that the bra size she chose doesn’t flatter her ? or that her one eyebrow has been erased ? Tell the truth ladies, tell the truth.

Offer sympathies during that time of the month.Whether it’s offering a stranger a tampon or being sensitive to a friend during her time of the month if she needs it, the golden rule shall be exercised to the fullest extent in this area.Even if you are mortal enemies, do a period check on a sister’s behind  and ascertain that her pants are still good.

ALWAYS help other girls escape unwanted attention from guys.This can be as simple as dancing with another girl at a party or as difficult as pretending to be her friend in a public place (totally done that, by the way), in order for her to escape from that awkward conversation she is stuck in. Most of the time, it won’t cost you anything but a minute so please let’s help each other out because some guys unfortunately can’t get a clue

Its okay to say NO. I do not need to belabor this , you all know what i mean. Also , reconcile yourself with the fact that it is okay to be alone sometimes. Do not ever settle for a guy because you feel alone, when the feeling wears out, you will want to shoot yourself for making a lousy choice (no offence guys )

Secrets: The guys code states that, ” if a bro asks another bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave ” so ladies , what happens to us that propels us to share our girlfriends secrets to people who don’t wanna know? Don’t be a tell-tale!

But speaking of this code thingi, there are some things i don’t click. For example its okay for a guy or a girl to date everybody else except your sister/ brother , as in??? i thought it would be nice if your buddy hooked up with your relative , like it would be a great thing because he/she is already a friend of the family anyway so a promotion to in-law  wouldn’t hurt,,,or so i think,,,,but people will hate you, block you, in fact plot death for you if you dare approach their brother’s or sisters , and they are your best friends by the way,,,,,hehehehehe this code thingi,,,,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

THIS LOVE MIX……..

The amount of skepticism in being completely honest about life is, to me, unsettling.  A very big percentage of people would rather live a lie  than deal with rejection or disappointment. Why are we, as a people, so afraid of disappointment?  I had quite the year after this love mix!!! From beating myself for even daring to open my mouth……..to what a shameless woman you are ,…… to you are lying,….this is only fiction,…it did not happen in real life,………..,to you mean you actually asked a guy out,…to what is wrong with you, to who does that?,………to chic you are brave ,…..to you did the right thing  ……gggooooossshhhhhhh !  I think i have an inkling where madness starts because all these voices in my head, some cheering e on , others condemning me were not exactly making my situation any better. The message i was constantly hearing is that it’s better not to dream big than to be disappointed/ rejected.

The aftershock from that vibing experience still shakes my friendships, sometimes. I have had a hard time dealing with rejection and disappointment in fact whenever i sensed or imagined it miles away i run….or maybe i should borrow the word fled. I worried about being too much, coming on too strong, intruding where i was  not wanted. I got a little twitchy and a lot insecure when I got too close to a guy because was not  sure where to draw the line on boundaries.  I threw pity parties and attended them alone , and my dear…self -pity is such a useless emotion. I sulked and cried all the boy tears i could , and then decided it was time to take back my life, enough was enough ! I accepted God’s love and He began to heal my heart.

So Why are we so afraid? What’s so bad about disappointment and or rejection for that matter ? If anything, it’s character-forming, it makes you think bigger , work harder, and while it may upset you and disillusion you for a while, is it not better than a life lived in fear and avoidance?

See,i am a curious being… i really wanted to know…… had i not asked ,maybe the 15 year friendship would now be 20 years and i would still be holding onto false hope…..maybe not…but am sure glad i asked. What was going through his mind, i wondered? Then a friend told me its the ‘in thing’ to let girls bank on non- existent accounts , only to be disappointed at the time of withdrawal of funds, when there is nothing to receive. Another friend  says, its all about expectations and i do not disagree, but in as much as we want to manage our expectations, the failure to find out the truth for fear of rejection or disappointment should never be an option.

Here is what i learned from this painful experience, as painful as disappointments are, I’m starting to think they’re a necessary proving ground for genuine, long lasting friendships.Being human and honest about life isn’t going to ruin your relationships. Hiding your humanity behind a veil for fear of disappointment might, though. If you love someone, don’t let your fear of disappointment dictate the relationship. They’re going to let you down, because they’re not God. You’re going to let them down, because even on your best day, you’re not either. Therefore choose to love fully even though it means opening yourself to rejection. Understand who you are and what value you possess and  choose to love you before anything  else.

When you’ve been rejected, there is a tendency  to build some sort of protection mechanism to keep yourself from feeling that pain ever again. The problem is, what that protection mechanism does is keep us from rejection, but also stand in the way of intimacy and genuine love.  Yet loving people means we might be rejected, but we choose to love them anyway. Desist from the temptation to build walls around your ka heart…” if at first you don’t succeed…..you are normal!!

I do not know what kind of rejection or disappointment you are dealing with right now,your scholarship application may have been rejected a million times,it could be a failed promotion, an unfaithful partner, a failing relationship, a business that is not growing, academic results that do not reflect the glory of God, whatever it is, this one thing i know, God will not leave you nor will he forsake you, so rest in the knowledge that He has your back and begin to live again!

STAY BLESSED !